I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
