Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
