So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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