she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
