the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
