I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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