I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
only you would photoshop your dick
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
