Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm both gender and math confused
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
