after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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