it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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