Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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