I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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