i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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