I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
