he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
