alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
