the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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