Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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