I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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