Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
