My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
