Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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