in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
