Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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