My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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