She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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