Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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