ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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