Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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