I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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