My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
