I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
