Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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