you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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