dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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