I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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