I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
