My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
