You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
