Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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