oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize