1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
