gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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