Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
