I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
