hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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