I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
