I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
