help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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