Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
