I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
