She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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