I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor