I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
