I accidentally had phone sex last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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