a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
